When I saw you this morning on the school run I felt sad. Sad that some of the closeness between us seems to have gone.
After we fell out before I vowed to try harder, to be a better friend and to never fall out again… But this time is different, we haven’t fallen out, neither of us have done anything wrong.
Depression is a horrible illness and now it’s even affecting my friendships. You see, the thing is, the main reason we haven’t seen much of each other lately is because I’ve been avoiding it. Not because of you, please don’t take it personally. I’ve been avoiding spending time with anyone. I even considered lying to my own sister about my plans yesterday just so she wouldn’t come round to see me.
My depression has gotten so bad that Ed worries about me when I’m alone, and yet alone is what I want to be, all the time. I hate feeling lonely but it’s easier than putting on a brave face and trying to make an effort to be happy in front of others.
And I know you’ll say that you want to be there for me, during the lows as well as the highs, and I know that, I do. It’s just easier for me to stay on my own and cry than opening up to someone else about the emotions I don’t even understand myself. I’ve been living with this illness for over half my life, it’s so tough but somehow I still would rather go through it on my own than letting someone else in.
It hurts to think I might be hurting you not spending time with you, that you might feel you’ve done something wrong or that you might not feel you are a good friend to me. You are. You’ve been amazing every time I’ve let you be. The times I’ve opened up over text and been honest with you you’ve been there with reassurance that everything will be ok and offers to help in whatever way you can.
I’m sorry this is stopping us from having the close friendship we used to have. I wish my mind wasn’t so messed up and that I could enjoy life again. I wish my anxiety would go and I wouldn’t always be so stressed and rushed. I wish I could just be, just live in the moment. I wish my social media life was my real life rather than a rose tinted version of the truth. I wish I could be there for you as well as letting you be there for me, as I know it’s not all going smoothly in your life either.
More than anything I wish I could be me again. In the meantime I hope you can understand that it really isn’t you, it’s me, and hopefully, one day soon, I’ll be back and able to fully be your friend again.