Early this year I made the decision to come off of antidepressants and it was absolutely the best decision for me. Let me start by a) providing a little back story and b) providing a disclaimer that you should not come off any medication that has been prescribed to you cold turkey, as it can be incredibly dangerous. Just because I coped fine, it doesn’t mean you will, so please discuss with your doctor if considering the same thing.
So, on to the story of how I entered my third decade of life on antidepressants for maybe the fourth time in my life… I have suffered with depression since I was twelve years old, when my grandad, who was much, much more than just my mum’s father, passed away after a relatively short battle with cancer. I was very close to my grandad, who had been around a lot for my mum, me and my brother when she split with my dad when I was only a toddler. My grandad was, and continues to be, the most important role model in my life, and his passing is something I will never fully recover from, especially the fact that I never got to say a proper goodbye.
I struggled massively with school, and had my first bout of SAD (seasonal affective disorder) in the year following his death. I was in and out of school daily, getting myself sent home so that I could be with my mum, even though she was working. It was a dark time. I relapsed again when I was in my teens, when I was with my first boyfriend, and ever since I have gone up and down, sometimes being ok and coping with my emotions and at other times, really not. I have been in counselling, had CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and been on medication several times. I was also diagnosed with anxiety for the first time when I was pregnant with my youngest, which was six years ago.
Most recently, I had been on a dose of 20mg of Citalopram for a couple of years, when I went through a period of time which really tested me. A series of events had me feeling like I could not cope, and when I struggle, I am not ashamed to ask for help. To get me through the worst of it, my doctor and I agreed for me to increase my dose, and this is what I did last October. I went up to 40mg, which is the highest you can be on with that particular antidepressant. Now, let me start by saying that I never experienced very bad side effects when it came to these tablets, or at least not anything that was worse than the alternative, of feeling incredibly low, however, when I did make the decision to come off of them, I could definitely notice differences. I struggled to sleep a lot when I was on the tablets, and when I did sleep, I would have very vivid dreams. I would also feel quite paranoid at times, and this worsened when I went up to the higher dose last autumn.
Ultimately I made the decision to come off of the tablets because I wanted to be rid of any medication in my system, to see how I would feel with my own hormones. I also came off of the birth control pill at the same time. I didn’t have any side effects from coming off of the antidepressants, although my weight did fluctuate quite a bit in the first month or so after I came off the pill. What I did notice was that I cried a lot to begin with, at things that I thought I was over, but clearly the tablets had acted as a bit of a buffer, perhaps numbing my reaction to previous events, so it felt like I was going through them for a second time, which was quite disconcerting and frustrating, when I thought I had begun to get over this. Ultimately I am pleased with my decision to come off of the tablets, as I needed to properly process the things that had affected me, which I feel I have been able to now, without the numbing of medication.
I always struggle more in the autumn and winter, which is linked to SAD, and I am not afraid or ashamed if I need to go back on to the tablets at some point, but for now I am pleased to be off of medication, and to be processing my emotions at my own pace. I feel strong to be coping with my mental illness with a mixture of writing, talking and exercising regularly.
