This has been a tough post to write, for many reasons, some I will not share, but ultimately I wanted to write it because loss, at whatever stage in a pregnancy, is still treated as something taboo, and because, by writing it, I hope to be able to move on a little from what happened to me, to be able to start anew, without forgetting or trivialising what happened to me.
Around a year ago, I had the coil removed, as I no longer wanted to use that form of contraception. Instead I went back on the pill (although I have since come off of this as well), and at the time of having it removed I was warned that I may be at risk of a pregnancy, if I had recently had sex (I think it was within the last 48 hours). As I say, I went straight on the pill and, as the last time I had sex was just outside of that ‘risk window’ for pregnancy, I carried on my life as usual. Around six weeks later, whilst I was going through an incredibly tough time in my personal life and suffering with Covid, I discovered I was pregnant, completely unplanned and definitely not good timing, but nonetheless, a baby growing inside me. Two of my three children were not planned, and none of them came at the ‘right’ time in my life, but essentially I always made it work, and I wouldn’t change my children for the world, so although not ideal, my first instinct was not to put an end to the pregnancy.
A couple of weeks later, before I had even fully comprehended what this meant for me, and certainly before I had a chance to formulate a plan, I received some news which affected me quite badly. I have suffered with mental health issues throughout my life, since my early teens, and I am not ashamed to say that I really struggled at this point. Experiencing awful stomach cramps, alongside a complete lack of appetite, I discovered that I was also losing the pregnancy, with the heaviest bleeding I have ever experienced.
It was an extremely tough time. I am fortunate, in a way, that it all happened on its own and the physical side of things was over fairly quickly, but emotionally I think I only recently processed it, largely due to a sexual assault which happened just over a month afterwards, on New Year’s Eve. I was on quite strong medication for anxiety and depression at the end of last year and it was only after coming off of it earlier this year that I was able to fully experience the emotions, and start dealing with what happened.
Although the pregnancy was ill-timed and likely would have caused quite a lot of upset for people involved, it was still a part of me that I lost, which was very difficult, especially when I was already suffering with my mental health at the time. I am fortunate that I had lots of lovely people around me, mainly family, but some friends too, who I was able to open up to, and who were absolute rocks for me over the past year, when I have struggled, when I have felt the emotions get too much. A family member found out she was pregnant at the same time as I found out I had miscarried, and it has been harder than I thought it would be to watch her pregnancy journey, and subsequently to meet her newborn baby, knowing in an alternate universe I would have also recently given birth.
Experiencing loss in a pregnancy, no matter at which point, no matter how far along and whether the pregnancy was planned, or even if it was something you would have continued with, is still incredibly challenging. I am not trying to trivialise those who have experienced loss further along, I have friends who have suffered the most awful experiences, and I would never compare my own to theirs, but the actual loss, the feeling of no longer having something, not knowing how it would have turned out, that is so tough, and I hope others who are going through it have the support and love that I have had, of which I am so grateful for.
