I toyed with not writing this post because, let’s face it, it’s incredibly raw and personal. But then I remembered why I started writing a blog all those years ago, and how much it helped to get out in words the emotions when going through difficult or stressful life events (like when my first marriage ended or when we bought a house that needed renovating). So, here I am, writing a post that is going to explain what I went through a few months ago, something you may have seen references to on Instagram if you follow me on there, what it felt like, and how I am moving on from that period of my life now.
Over my birthday weekend back at the start of May, I was feeling very bloated, uncomfortable and just odd. I realised I had felt that way for at least a week. I was trying to eat healthily but I seemed to keep gaining weight, my stomach felt huge and I would get full really quickly, even when just eating a chicken salad, and then feel ravenously hungry soon after. I tried to enjoy my birthday celebrations but my hormones were also all over the place, I burst into tears over something on the Saturday and then got really angry the next minute. By the bank holiday Monday, I thought I best do a pregnancy test just to rule that out, but I wasn’t expecting it to be a positive as we had been careful and definitely not planning another baby.
The pregnancy test came up with a double line immediately as soon as I took it and I think I went into shock. I was not in the right place for another baby. I already have three children, my eldest is almost fourteen, my youngest is turning eight this year, I have finished having kids, I didn’t want to go back to the start, to sleepless nights, endless nappy changes and nursery fees that make working near impossible. We were going to a family barbecue so we just went along and tried to pretend nothing was going on. I was a mess inside my head though, and needed to find out how far along I was so we stopped at a Tesco Express on our way back home and I bought a Clear Blue digital test, the ones that say how many weeks you are. I took it back home and it came up as 3+weeks.
Again, we were shocked and didn’t know what to do. I have never had a termination before, but if I am being honest, that is the first thought that came into my head. I didn’t think I could do this. I was hugely emotional over the next week or so. I managed to speak to a doctor and to self refer myself for the maternity care via the Badger App (something that was new since having kids before). I had a booking in appointment and we discussed getting a scan as soon as possible as I was unsure when I had last had a period, having been under some stress, and they were concerned I might be three months already.
I went away with my best friend for a couple of days and we had a heart to heart on the car journey about what I would do. I decided I couldn’t have a termination, I would go ahead with the pregnancy and just cope as I had before. I felt a little calmer for making the decision to keep the baby, even though I was still very emotional about it all. I hadn’t planned to have more children in my thirties. Whilst we were away, I was experiencing very strong pregnancy symptoms and toyed with the idea that maybe I was carrying twins, as my stomach was also showing a sizeable bump already. I had always wanted twins when I was younger, so I was secretly thrilled at the prospect, whilst also being terrified, that would mean five children in total!
Then I started spotting and cramping. I was at once petrified of losing the baby/babies I had only just decided I wanted to keep. The threat of losing them made me realise how much I wanted to be a mum again, to go through that amazing process of giving birth, of meeting my new child/children. I was so scared.
When I was back home, I called up to find out when I could have a scan and explained the situation, that I was bleeding and cramping but wasn’t sure how far along I was. I had some pain in my side as well, so they told me to come in that day, to rule out an ectopic pregnancy but also to try and work out how far along I actually was. I had to go alone as nobody was available to come with me. It was the toughest thing to go in on my own when I was worrying so much about what would happen, but I put on a brave face.
As soon as the scan began I knew something was wrong; the sonographer took a long time looking around inside me (she hadn’t been able to see anything from the external scan so I had needed an internal one), then she eventually stopped and told me that she couldn’t see embryos. I had been right about the twin pregnancy, but neither of the two pregnancy sacs were showing actual ambryos, or the fetal poles that should have been there by that point. One sac was smaller than the other, and she said it was likely that one had stopped being viable, but that there was a slim chance the other bigger one may continue to grow and that an embryo could form in there.
I was sent away with another appointment for a second scan in ten days to find out if anything had changed by then. It was torture. I was still getting pregnancy symptoms, my stomach was bloated and I even looked pregnant in clothes, and yet I probably wasn’t going to have a baby, and definitely not the twins that could have been. I was hugely emotional at this point, and every day was horrible, being unsure whether the bleeding would turn into a miscarriage. I wasn’t sure whether to drink any alcohol because I could still end up being pregnant. I was a mess. I also didn’t really want to tell many people, so I just told close family and friends at this point.
Finally the second scan day came round and my husband was able to take the morning off to come with me. They once again found two sacs, one smaller than the other, but no embryos. They had said at the first appointment that they would be able to proceed with a medical termination if there had been no change, but the bigger sac had grown ever so slightly so the hospital said that ethically they couldn’t terminate just in case despite the fact that they agreed it likely I was experiencing a missed miscarriage, where my body hadn’t received the message that it wasn’t pregnant, so the sac was still growing and I was still experiencing all the pregnancy symptoms, just with no chance of a baby at the end of it all. I felt very let down. It was clear to me, and to the person scanning me, that no baby would form in the sac, it was too far along for that to happen, but they wouldn’t take any action, making me wait another ten days for another scan.
I ended up booking myself in with BPAS to have a termination. It was not an easy decision to make, but my mental health was suffering, and I felt really upset by the way the early pregnancy unit were dealing with the situation. I was booked in for the following week and was told I would need to have the surgery rather than tablets for the termination, as they wanted to examine the pregnancy sacs to find out what may have caused them to not form embryos. I opted to have local rather than general anaesthetic, and to not have a sedative, so that I could be up and out again almost straight away, without the risk of more complications.
My husband dropped me at the clinic in the morning and, after they had scanned to check the situation was still the same as before, within a couple of hours it was all over. The surgery itself was quite straight forward, and it felt like pressure inside of me when they were removing the tissues. My mouth and hands felt a little numb from the local anaesthetic, and there was a ringing in my ears. There were around three medical staff alongside the surgeon, and I was so grateful for the woman who held my hand throughout it all.
Afterwards, I was able to stand up and head into the next room to recover and given biscuits and sugary squash to drink. I started feeling a little strange and said to the nurse that I felt quite faint and then I came to a little while afterwards, having been laid down on the chair, with around six medical staff surrounding me. Apparently I had fainted and started having a fit, they were concerned so I was monitored for half an hour, whilst eating more biscuits and drinking the squash to try and bring my sugar levels up. Eventually I was deemed stable enough to get myself dressed and then I was able to be discharged.
Getting back into the car with my husband, who had brought me a bunch of flowers and some chocolate, felt bittersweet. I felt very weak and really fragile physically and mentally, but I was grateful to have him supporting me. We got Mark Bennetts rolls and cakes for lunch and then headed back home where I rested in bed for the remainder of the day. I shared that I had day surgery on social media, but didn’t go into detail, as I wasn’t ready to yet. I still don’t know if I am ready to share that on Instagram, but this blog feels like more of a safe space.
I struggled a lot with dealing with the loss due to the fact that I wasn’t originally 100% on going through with the pregnancy and because ultimately there never were any ‘babies’, just the pregnancy sacs that would have gone on to home the embryos that never were. I have since been in therapy and come to realise that I am more than justified to still mourn the loss of what could or might have been, and that what I went through was still incredibly traumatic and something that has shaped me as a person.
Having the termination through BPAS allowed me to start the process of moving on, rather than having to wait another ten days for a third scan through the Early Pregnancy Unit. It was the right decision for me, but it was still a very difficult decision to make. The surgery was ‘easy’ but the experience was very hard for me, especially as I so wanted the situation to be different by that point. I had come to terms with being pregnant and having more children. To have that taken away from me was hard.
I have experienced a lot of abnormal irregular bleeding since the termination, which has had a big impact on my mental health. I hope that soon everything will return to normal and I can fully move on from what happened, without daily reminders. If you have experienced a missed miscarriage and subsequent termination, I am always here to chat, to talk it through. Grieving for what might have been is absolutely normal, and nothing to be ashamed of. Take all the time you need to get over what has happened and know that you are not alone.
