Yesterday morning I experienced something incredibly scary. What started as an upset stomach, ended in me being doubled over in pain, unable to get up and walk around without crying. My anxiety spiked, causing me to have a panic attack whilst on the phone to 111, and they instructed me to get a lift to a&e within the hour. I hate hospitals at the best of times, but during the pandemic you aren’t allowed anybody to go in with you, so I was alone whilst I was there for several hours.
I had a cannula fitted, and it caused me to faint. It is only the second time I have fainted, as far as I am aware, in my lifetime, the other occasion being back in January when I gave myself a mild concision from the resulting fall. Coming back to consciousness is one of the most terrifying sensations, very similar to an anxiety attack. It felt like I was coming back in waves and I was completely disorientated, forgetting that I was even in hospital. I had an oxygen mask on my face, because the nurse who had fitted the cannula said I needed it when I fainted. It was really scary.
After my test results came back inconclusive, but without cause for serious concern, I was discharged and able to go back home. It was a relief, but I still felt awful today and made the decision to take the day off of work. This is what I find difficult, as I always feel so guilty for not going in, even if I am feeling unwell or need to rest. I always apologise profusely when it happens (not often), but my anxiety still has me going over and over the decision in my head, berating myself for not just soldiering on.
My manager was really lovely and told me to get the rest I needed, and that work would wait, but I still found myself checking work emails today and then feeling bad that I wasn’t able to get back to people and do what they wanted me to do. In a world where many are sharing the #BeKind movement, it is so important to remember this when talking to yourself. My inner voice is always so critical, wondering whether I am doing enough, telling myself I am bad at areas of my life, I need to work harder on being a friend to myself.
So today I did attempt to rest, and to take it easy. I went back to bed after the school run and I slept for a couple of hours, before camping out on the sofa with Bella and watching an American sitcom. Once I had some lunch and felt a little perkier, I took Bella out for a walk and then we went out into the back garden and I drank an orange and lemonade, and I tried to enjoy the sunshine and not feel guilty for not being at work. 
I am so switched on all the time, that actually taking it easy and resting doesn’t come easy to me, so today has been a bit of a struggle, but my body is thanking me for it, and hopefully whatever was causing the pain, and the following exhaustion, will go away faster thanks to me taking it slow.
