As this week has been Mental Health Awareness week, I wanted to write a little something about my own struggles with mental illness. I have been fairly vocal on this blog and my previous one about my mental health, and the challenges I have faced over time. Sitting down to write this post today, I realised that I was first diagnosed with having depression almost two full decades ago, when I was 12 years old. In those twenty years (yes, that does make me feel incredibly old typing that), I have had numerous sessions of counselling, cognitive behavioural therapy and prescriptions for antidepressants, but you know what, I am still here, I am still fighting on, and I am winning this mental health battle.
When I was twelve years old, I lost my beloved grandad, and I was also hiding a big secret from everybody, that I was being abused by somebody close to me. It was a truly horrible time, and it is therefore no surprise that I ended up being diagnosed with depression, and starting my very first counselling session. I remember drawing a lot in those early sessions, which I really enjoyed, to express my emotions that were so confusing to me. It really helped me to process my grief, although I did not open up about the abuse, even to my therapist.
Over the following years, into my teens, I struggled with bouts of depression. I could be happy and coping fine for a couple of years, and then something would trigger me and I would be very low again. I tried counselling again a couple of times, but I found it didn’t help as much at that age, and instead I just laboured on, struggling every so often but mainly coasting along.
By the time I was twenty, I was pregnant with my first child, unexpectedly, and I was diagnosed with antenatal depression and instructed to see a therapist for counselling. It wasn’t a choice, due to my age and previous issues with my mental health, and I must admit, I was a bit annoyed at being forced to talk to somebody about how I was feeling. I had been sexually assaulted the previous year, so this came up in my sessions, and it was actually quite useful, despite my initial hesitation.
I suffered with antenatal and postnatal depression with all three of my children in the end, and I didn’t find any of the pregnancies easy, for this reason. It is one of the biggest reasons behind my decision to stop having children after Benjamin, as my mental health is so badly affected by the change in hormones. I ended up on antidepressants after my first marriage broke down in 2015, only coming off of them when I was six months pregnant with Benjamin, as I didn’t want to risk anything with the pregnancy.
After I gave birth to Benjamin, I really struggled with worry, I would worry about anything and everything, especially to do with the kids and my own health. I was diagnosed formally with generalised anxiety disorder when Benjamin was a newborn, and I ended up back on antidepressants when he was a couple of years old, after a very hard time coping with my changing moods and seasonal affective disorder, which I get almost every year when the evenings start getting darker, and there is less daylight and sunshine.
As well as taking antidepressants, I also take a daily vitamin d supplement, which I find helps get me through the darker months, and is good for my overall health and wellbeing anyway. I recently lowered my medication to just 10mg per day, which I am coping with at the moment, and I do hope to come off of the tablets when I feel ready to. I don’t find any shame in admitting that I am on medication for my mental health, it is just the same as taking tablets for a physical ailment, and should not be taboo. I also finished my latest stint of counselling a month ago, and I worked on my low self esteem and feelings of guilt, as well as issues I have had with maintaining friendships over the years, and I found it very helpful.
If you are struggling with your own mental health, please do reach out and confide in a loved one, or speak to your doctor. They are trained in knowing what to do and what to suggest, but if you don’t feel confident enough, you can self refer yourself for free counselling through the NHS Steps2Wellbeing service. The waiting list can be long, so I would recommend referring yourself as soon as you start feeling low, to get the help as soon as possible. Do not suffer in silence, there is no shame in having a mental illness, and talking about it can really help.
You can contact Samaritans on 116 123.
