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I’ve spoken a lot about my own mental health over the past few years. I make no secret of the fact that I have both depression and anxiety, and I do sometimes struggle with these illnesses, as people do with a long term physical illness as well.
For loved ones, it can be really challenging knowing how to act and what to do to help a person with depression and/or anxiety. It may be hard to know what to say, or which approach to take, and to be honest, this is actually quite a personal thing, which changes from person to person, depending on their own triggers and the effects of their illness on their lives.
However, I wanted to cover some of the ways you could attempt to help a loved one suffering with depression and anxiety, which can both be especially hard to cope with at this time of year as the days get shorter and things can seem a little harder to handle for many.
Start Small
Mental illness can feel so overwhelming, that it can be hard to imagine your life before or after the current episode. Something that has helped me has been being asked to think of one small thing that could make things a tiny bit better right at that moment. It could be something as simple as having a cup of tea made for you, or getting your favourite magazine from the shop, having a hot bubble bath, or getting into bed with your hot water bottle. I sometimes struggle to think of one small thing, but luckily my loved ones know we so well by now, that they know what things can help, just a little, to make things a bit easier for me, when I’m struggling. One of those things is definitely switching on Friends, and getting me to have a bath or shower and change into comfy clothes or my pjs.
Focus on Positives
Another great approach is to encourage the use of a gratitude journal. When suffering with mental illness, it can be really difficult to focus on the positives, to think of the good that is in your life, alongside the negative emotions that the illness brings with it. Keeping track of the things you have in your life to be grateful for is a fantastic idea, as it forces you to remind yourself of the positives. Start with something simple, like having a roof over your head, and go from there. My kids are definitely top of the list, they give me focus even on days when I struggle.
Be There
One of the most important things you can do for a loved one with a mental illness is to be there and to let them know you are there for them, no matter what. Give them space, if they need it, but also make sure they know that you are always available and ready to listen to them when they need you. Sometimes the last thing you want when you’re struggling is somebody trying to give you tough love, but knowing that that person is there for you, ready to motivate you when you are ready, is invaluable. If you are concerned about the mental health of a loved one, and they haven’t opened up to you yet, making it clear that you are there for them, can make all the difference.
Be Understanding
It can be hard to understand if you haven’t gone through mental illness yourself before, that things can vary massively day to day with depression and anxiety. I can cope really well for months at a time, and then something will trigger me and I will have a low day, or a low few days, and it will be hard to know where it came from, even for myself. I can’t explain why I can be happy and content one day and feeling like I can’t escape from my own head the next, so I do feel for those around me, who must find it challenging to deal with my changing moods. I’m lucky that I have a really understanding support system in place. My mum, Ed and my sister are brilliant at knowing how I feel, and what will help depending on my mood. It’s just important to be understanding and to realise that if somebody seems to have improved one day, it doesn’t mean that they will necessarily be ok again the next day. It’s a bit like playing snakes and ladders, and never knowing when you are about to come back down again. Just know that mental illness doesn’t usually have a quick fix, and it is important to be there long term for your loved one.
Be Supportive & Encouraging
Finally, be supportive and encouraging, but don’t take it personally when your efforts are either ignored or rebuffed. It can be really hard to listen to reason, or to try and be positive when suffering with mental illness. It’s really important not to get angry with somebody who is suffering. Yes, it can be frustrating, when you can see a solution but they won’t listen, or if you know something would make them feel better but they refuse to try, but just be there for them, take a step back where necessary and remember that this is a journey that is so very hard for them but it is hard for you too, and there are support systems out there for relatives and loved ones of those who suffer with mental illness. You can ring for advice if you are struggling or worried for their wellbeing.
You can also look into regular private counselling. Counselling can fit into your life – you can have sessions online following an initial assessment. Speaking to a professional, someone removed from your family and friendship group, can be extremely cathartic, and a qualified counsellor can help you get to the bottom of your symptoms and struggles. Psymplicity, for example, uses a holistic treatment plan, tailored to you – they work with you to help you tackle the symptoms restricting your life so you can move on to enjoy more fulfilling relationships – with others as well as yourself.
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