Let me start by saying please, please look away if you are reading this mum, nan etc. I do not want to embarrass you or myself but honestly, this is such a taboo topic and one that needs to be discussed more openly.
When I was a teenager, when I started having sex, I thought every woman had orgasms and that they were really easy to achieve. I had seen some porn, and had read women’s magazines, and it just seemed to be assumed that women had orgasms during sex. So, when I didn’t, I panicked that I wasn’t normal, that there was something wrong with me, and I started to fake orgasms so that the person I was with didn’t know I had a problem.
What started off as something I was doing for me, soon became something I was doing for them. I realised that the men I was with expected women to orgasm through sex just as much as I did, and if I held off from ‘orgasming’, they would ask what was wrong. They would assume they weren’t doing it right, when it was great, but just not enough to make me reach climax.
I went through the majority of my twenties having never fully climaxed through penetrative sex and I told nobody. It was my dirty little secret, and something I was still ashamed of, even though watching romantic comedies and female orientated tv-shows such as Sex and the City made me realise I wasn’t alone in faking. I still thought there was something wrong with me for not being able to have an orgasm.
I remember opening up once to a boyfriend and him taking it personally. After his initial hurt feelings, he tried doubly hard to get me there, but it was just stressful for both of us. I regretted saying anything and went back to pretending. It wasn’t until a few years ago, when I was with Ed that I realised how silly I was being. Yes, I struggle to orgasm through sex, that doesn’t mean I have to fake it.
When I was completely honest, it didn’t affect me not reaching climax through sex, after all I was able to orgasm through other means alone and with a partner, but it bothered me not being able to let myself go and just enjoy myself. So I stopped. I stopped making those subtle changes in my breathing, the little sounds that ‘go’ with orgasm. I stopped clenching my muscles to make it extra believable. I stopped, and I finally started to enjoy sex. Truly.
I still wasn’t orgasming through sex, but I wasn’t lying to myself and my partner. Plus, by removing the pressure, something amazing happened. I actually started being able to reach climax for real. Do I regret faking orgasms for so long? Yes, I do, because there was no need to do it. Not all women can orgasm through penetrative sex. So, if you are faking it, stop. Consider why you are faking it, and stop doing it if it is for anyone but yourself.
Photos feature Orgasm Gel from So Divine, which was gifted.