This evening I went to see 50 shades Darker. I think it’s safe to say I didn’t really go into the film with high hopes. I’m sorry if you loved the first film, but I thought it was utter crap and I thought this would be much the same.
When my sister asked if I wanted to go with her and her friend I figured it might be worth a watch for the laughs. To be fair, when we were asked for ID on our way in I figured the sex scenes might have at least upped the ante a little but I never expected to actually like the film.
So what was it that I found enjoyable? No, behave yourself, if wasn’t the raunchy sex scenes (although they were pretty hot actually, if a little tamer than I imagined they could have been).
What I liked was how it made me feel (bear with me, and get your mind out of the gutter). When I met Ed sure I already had two kids, but I was so much more self confident. My unhappy marriage had just ended, I was slimmer and I felt happy and free. Ed fell in love with a different me and, although he still loves me no matter what, or so he’s told me many a time when I’ve asked him why he’s with me (yes, I’m now that lacking in self esteem, blame the depression, it’s a bitch), I want to be that girl again, the girl he fell in love with. I want to feel confident and sexy again. I want to be spontaneous with him (well, as much as I can be with three kids).
I’m 28 in May, I’m still a young woman. I don’t want to look back at this time in my life and regret not appreciating my youth, my beauty, my sexuality.
In my teens I enjoyed sex, I was adventurous and I did things that I’m sure will make me blush a little when I’m older. Since I’ve had my children I’ve calmed down, but perhaps a little too much.
Sure, nobody expects a mum to be doing it three times a night and whipping out the kinky paraphernalia but I’ve never wanted the fact I’m a mother to define me. I’m still me underneath it all and I still want to feel sexy and sexual when it comes to bedtime.
Watching 50 shades, seeing the sexual chemistry between the lead actors, it made me feel a little sad for the lack of chemistry in the bedroom at the moment. In fact, not just in the bedroom, but intimacy in general.
Since I fell pregnant with Benjamin I’ve pretty much lived in cuddly pjs. I went from sleeping in the nude to covering up totally. Whilst there’s nothing wrong with being comfy, sometimes it’s important to feel sexy, and I haven’t. The fact I haven’t yet got down to my goal weight is something that has definitely hindered things, I don’t feel self confident with my body after three kids, and that’s definitely impacted things in the bedroom.
Watching the film, seeing Anna and Christian kissing, making eye contact and sharing intimate secrets (along with the more raunchy stuff, of course) I made a pact with myself, I will make more of an effort, not just for Ed, but for me as well. I want to feel hot again. I want to have passion with Ed again (sorry mum, nan, any other family member who might read this and not quite want to think about my passion).
I think a film can be a totally subjective experience. Before we went I saw a throwaway comment by another blogger, the girl is in her twenties like me but without children, without, as far as I know, a partner. She found the film awful, but maybe that has something to do with the differences in our lives. Whereas she may be having hot uninhibited sex every night of the week, I’m not.
If you go into the film wanting something totally sexual then you might be disappointed. However, unlike the first film, this one had a storyline, which I actually enjoyed.
I think Ed summed it up with his question when I returned ‘so, did it make you horny?’ to which I replied ‘sort of’. The film made me ‘relationship horny’. It made me want to regain what we’ve lost. And maybe that makes me the kind of ‘desperate housewife’ figure that supposedly the book’s author was, why she put pen to paper in the first place, but I’m ok with that.
The film made me look at my life and reassess how I feel about myself, and for that reason I very much enjoyed 50 shades darker.